Military Brats

Matthew Lenerville checks electronic navigation charts. Photo by Kyle Carlstrom.

What it means to be a Forward-Deployed Father

Father’s Day - Across 7th Fleet, fathers celebrate the unique nature of their household, and the growth that comes from their exceptional circumstances.

When a wall of water 133-feet high hit the coast, triggering the meltdowns of three nuclear reactors and beginning one of the worst disasters in Japan’s recent history, 7th Fleet responded immediately. Sailors across Japan deployed, and for those with family, like Quartermaster 1st Class Matthew Lenerville, it meant deploying while his household prepared to evacuate.

“When the earthquake and tsunami struck Fukushima, I went from being at home with my family to throwing my life in a bag and preparing to immediately get underway,” said Lenerville. “For my family, it was complete chaos. I’m up north helping with the humanitarian effort, while my wife and newborn child, our first child, are being evacuated from Japan. Luckily, they had the full support of the military during the evacuation. But it was definitely a scary time.”

Lenerville, now stationed on the Navy’s only forward-deployed aircraft carrier USS Ronald Reagan (CVN 76), experienced an extreme example of what Navy parents go through every day – raising their children while sworn to respond to disaster or threat, often expected to put the nation’s needs first. This unique challenge is just one example of why the life of a military child is far different than their civilian peers.

Lenerville never expected to be a father. He joined single, met his wife in the service, and planned on dedicating all his energy to his career. Becoming a father not only changed his life in the present, but shifted the way he saw his future.

“Everything changed once I saw my baby,” said Lenerville. “I went from a junior Sailor, a Petty Officer Second Class, to a father with new responsibilities. My life suddenly revolved around [my daughter] Amira, and how I was going to raise her.”

Lenerville’s family has mostly stayed in Japan throughout his career. His kids have gone to school and lived in Yokosuka and Sasebo for the last seven years. During that time, he’s learned to separate work and home, describing time with his family as “flipping a switch,” turning the leading petty officer persona off and devoting himself to his wife and children.

Another father, Intelligence Specialist 1st Class Joshua Messier, knew he’d be a father long before his first child.

“I knew I wanted kids, it was just a matter of when my wife wanted them,” said Messier. “And two years ago when we had Issac, my first, we had to decide how we were going to raise him when I went to sea.”

Messier emphasized his job as a father did not end after leaving the waterfront. He planned exactly how it would go. He knew the values he wanted to instill in his child and the character he wanted to cultivate.

“[The Navy] instills a set of values in those around it that you wouldn’t get otherwise,” said Messier. “I want my kid to have the same work ethic, motivation, and commitment that I do.”

Lenerville realizes the Navy has impacted the way he fathers his child and is thankful for it.

“The basic leadership skills I learned in the Navy definitely come into play,” said Lenerville. “Holding them accountable, teaching them, and cultivating their attitudes, all translate to parenthood. I also see the difference from my kids and the people back home – people being disrespectful, the lack of patience – here is just a complete difference from military personnel. I’m glad the Navy has taught me so much, and that I can pass that on to my kids.”

Regardless of the planning and preparation, Navy parents have unique challenges – deploying being first among them.

“I love my kids to the end of the earth,” said Lenerville. “And every year I get closer to them, we do more and more as they get older, and then I have to go. It hurts. It really, really hurts.”

It affects the child, too.

“My kids sometimes ask me why I have to go,” said Lenerville. “When they were younger, and even now, we had to sit them down and explain it to them. My wife will say, ‘your father has to go underway on a ship now. It’s going to be tough, we won’t see him for a while, but it’ll be OK.’ And they’ll get really sad, and start to cry a little, and that hurts. Honestly, it hurts a lot. But we comfort them, explain the fun they’ll have with mom, the travel they’ll get to do, and just try to help them cope as much as possible.”

Messier echoed this sentiment. His child is two and his recent deployments have not affected Issac much. However, he worries more as his son gets older.

“My last deployment was more painful for me than it was for him,” said Messier. “He wasn’t old enough to understand that daddy’s going away. This deployment is going to be just as difficult for me, but I think it’s going to impact him this time. He’s getting to that point where he’s going, ‘where’s Dad?’ That scares me a little.”

The obstacles do not stop at the departure and aren’t overcome by the return. Reintegrating back into the family can be just as difficult.

“Coming back, you have to get to know each other again,” said Messier. “They’ve grown up. Your wife has grown. Neither is the same as when you left. My son started talking while I was gone. He went from babbling to saying words and I came back asking myself, ‘when did this happen?’”

Lenerville agreed, and added how his kids change every time he leaves.

“They have new interests,” he said. “Games they loved, they now hate. They play different sports. Things change. You have to relearn what they like to reestablish that bond. Most of it is forcing yourself to get involved, to talk to them, to reengage.”

But as painful as those challenges may be, being a military parent comes with unique rewards.

“It could be easier,” said Messier. “But at the same time, it would be less worthwhile. Personally, I wouldn’t change a thing. Sometimes I’ll ask myself if my kids are better off with a military parent, and honestly, most of it comes down to the individual parents. But I think my child has a better chance in life because of the environment we’re raising him – being raised in and around other military families. He’s going to have that very close knit dynamic, knowing and trusting our neighbors, going to command picnics, there’s going to be other kids and other families with similar experiences and it’s almost like one big family.”

Lenerville agreed, and emphasized how working overseas has been a valuable experience for his children.

“When I go underway, my kids will travel and meet me at some of the ports,” said Lenerville. “On a recent deployment, they traveled to meet me in Vietnam. That port call was canceled, but my family had a terrific vacation. They all went to Vietnam, Thailand, and Cambodia. They had more port visits than I did that cruise.”

The Lenerville family’s return to Japan wasn’t just an extended vacation. It required work from every member of the family.

“My oldest, she’s 10, helps with the chores, mows the lawn, takes care of the baby and supports my wife whenever she needs to,” said Lenerville. “She takes on whatever role she needs to when I’m gone.”

Lenerville believes being raised overseas and visiting family and friends in the U.S. changes the way a child looks at the world.

“My kids have a better awareness of the world because of it,” he said. “I’ll tell them why we’re out here, the purpose behind my job, and how they support it. They’ve become conscious of how much of a difference we can make outside of our town or even our country.”